The View From Where I Am

The View From Where I Am

I just find this picture fascinating. I keep looking at it and thinking "That is how i feel!" I am always looking at the rear end of most situations. I am following behind, playing clean up, stepping in the poop left by others from their messes. Yes, I feel responsible to clean up the mess. 

I know in my head that this feeling of being responsible for everyone around me is a self imposed responsibility. No one really puts it on me......well, OK, some in my life Do put it on me but that is only because I have taken the responsible and always met their expectations that I will/can fix all the wrongs in their world. Again, this is because I have taken this role in the lives of those around me. 

Without question the biggest offenders are my kids. The problem is I haven't allowed them to grow up and live with their own personal choices. I just want to fix it all and pretend that all the world is perfect....at least I want those on the outside to THINK that my world is perfect. 

The world became aware just how imprefect my life was - as if they didn't already know - when my oldest son died in 2008. You see, he had an addiction. The problem with drug addiction isn't just with the addict. It permeates every person that the addict comes into contact with. It creeps in and hurts. Those around the addict are just collateral damage. 

There are always those that say "Well, if it were my child.....". The problem is, they AREN'T your child. They are my child. I love them. I want to make all the wrongs right. I want to make up for all the bad choices I made while trying the best I knew how. I want their life's to be immune to all the hurt.

The problem is, I can not make it all perfect and better. Anymore than I can make my own life perfect and better. I have learned that others fake it, probably better than I "fake" it. Why can't it just be a fact that we all admit our faults and help each other. Share our pains and hurts and know that someone won't wait until I am gone to gossip and whisper about how "messed up my family is". 

I know that is why I waste so much time watching The Real Housewives of ???? (fill in the blank) It's because I can watch these women's train wrecks in their own lives and it makes mine not see so bad (OR public). 

Tomorrow, my goal is to NOT feel like I am looking at the ass end of any situation. I will not take on the unrealistic responsibility of making everyone else lives around me seem or feel perfect. I am going to take care of myself, my husband that I love so much and know that this is just the best I can do and let the cards fall where they may.

Look at the picture, do you feel like this is your view of life?